year: Junior

Hometown: Sudbury, MA

Past teams: Lincoln-sudbury taco wagon


One day, while hanging from an apple tree, this yung, unripe apple heard a bunch of dinguses screaming that the taco wagon had arrived. His natural affinity for this corn-shelled treat ripened his senses and made him rip himself from the tree and sprint over. Upon arrival, he realized this was not a truck designed to birth his favorite snack into existence, but instead a group of high schoolers tossing around white plates like waiters in a greek restaurant (citation). At first he thought he made an awful mistake, until he heard one extremely loud soul named Ben “Lil Rubby” Wittenberg arguing with his teammate about the legality of punching his taco since it “wasn’t a sandwich.” He was immediately intrigued with the debate and joined in, produce-ing the argument that anything put between two grain-flour products was a sandwich. The team was immediately impressed with his simplistic philosophy and invited him to join them in their debauchery. After showcasing his tree-like defensive bodying and massive root-sized calves, the team was impressed and encouraged him to join their team, immediately naming him “produce.”

After wrecking the suburban Boston area as a part of the infamous Lincoln-Sudbury Taco Wagon, Produce was ripe for some college competition. He chose to come to a team with an even greater dingus-like attitude called the Tufts EMen, led by the likes of Stirfryler, Carter? (I barely know her), and Nicky Baseball. Throughout his first semester, Produce seemed to be just a normal freshman. His seeming lack of wild side lead him to go unnoticed by the A-Team. This didn’t sit well with the yung Ducer, but instead of getting rotten about it, he decided to quickly display his inner craziness and gain some attention. Not far into his second semester, he was called up to the big leagues, yet some were still unsure of his ability to hang loose. That all changed come spring break.

For spring break, Produce quickly took his looseness to the next level. Ferny had the pleasure of walking in on Produce “dancing” with the house stove, rocking it back and forth to the beat of the music during the first night. Produce was quite excited about the new friend he had made, and took her to bed later that evening. If this wasn’t enough to prove his doubters wrong, the next day, Daniel ate a brownie graciously baked by a friendly fire dragon. After an extended trip to the grocery store, he returned with an almost empty box of Oreo crème-filled goodies, much to the dismay of his fellow teammates. After this extreme dietary influx, he now only drinks whole milk by the disc, earning himself the title, “Milkbeth.” In his second season, this now-fully ripe apple is ready to take the college ultimate world by storm and the only slight that can be made about him is his tendency to scream in fear every time the team gathers to play a routey game of Apple-Fork.