Jacob marsh


year: Senior

Hometown: pittsford, ny

Past teams: bmen, sutherland sugar daddies

Jacob Darsh was born in Boston nearly 20 years ago. He lived an ordinary, quiet life until his 8th birthday, when he was bar-mitzvahed under the light of Tom Brady. It was then that he received his Jewish name: “Jam9600” and was sent deep into the backwoods of upstate New York to become a man. The swamp people of Rochester eagerly took him in and taught him all their secret knowledge of rocks and wetlands. His impressive knowledge of boat shoes earned him the rank of “water-front specialist,” and he was given his own lake to rule over. Life was good on the banks of the Seneca.

 But one fateful day, while walking under the light of a full moon, Jam slipped off the dock into the cold, murky water below. Shocked that his boat shoes betrayed him, he sank further and further under the current until he became one with the swamp. The water, which was really just Genny Light, began to change the boy. His limbs extended to ridiculous length, his skin grew fur, and his temper became untameable. He arose from the water and howled a John Mayer song at the moon. The transformation was complete: Jam Marsh was born.

After running out of Bills fans to eat, Jam returned to the Boston area. One day, while stalking through the streets of Somerville, he was struck by a truly beautiful sight. Up in the sky hung a pale circle of white, gleaming and pure. He let out a howl and chased after the alabaster sky biscuit onto Fletcher field, where he rose above freshmen and seniors alike to catch the disc in his jaws. Although slightly disappointed that he hadn’t actually caught the moon, Jam realized roofing nerds was the most fun he’d had in years. The E-men, who always need more hairy Jewish dudes, quickly gave Jam a tryout. A few weeks later, Jam graduated from a Soft-more to a Soft-less: a fully fledged E-man. With menacing claws for grabbing, elongated arms for skying, and saucy tosses for tossing, Jam is truly a beast in the cleats and the sheets.