year: SUPER SENIOR
Hometown: northampton, MA
Past teams: Bmen, Cmen, jail
Torsten Johnson popped out into the world October 3rd, 1993. Despite being toasted for 39 weeks, 6 days, 23 hours and 57 minutes too long, he emerged with a pasty white complexion and soft, delicate skin. Both of these defining features will cause misery for years to come in the form of sunburns and wounds, which raise the questions: “Was the toaster even plugged in?” and “Why was the heat setting so low?”
From a young age, Torsten lived in the solitary environment of Northampton, MA, far away from the clutches of modern distractions such as television and grain-loving masses. He spent his years of isolation training in the art of trash talking and before long, rumors started to spread in the Western Mass backwaters of an injured breadman whose chirps could infuriate both man and child alike. One day, Torsten stumbled upon a Northampton High School Ultimate game and was roped in to playing due to there only being five teenagers in all of Northampton. Torsten, claiming that “he doesn’t play”, did the only thing he knew how to do and started trash talking everyone on the field. He quickly reduced everyone on his and the opposing team to tears and from that moment on, Torsten knew that he had found his calling. He has since brought his talents to the Tufts E-Men, bad-mouthing anyone daring enough to face him and occasionally tossing some around some flat plastic thing.
Everything about this man’s life involves some puzzling contradiction. On the field, Torsten is capable of making some of the ballsiest, most reckless plays when even the smallest scrape can lead to profuse bleeding. He effortlessly provides endless entertainment to his teammates with his backwards humor while simultaneously delivering soul crushing heckles to his opponents. Off the field, he can solve complex organic chemistry problems with the wave of a hand. On the other hand, pop-culture references from everyone’s childhood will leave him perplexed and confounded – “I never watched TV”. As a vegetarian, he is a champion of all things healthy and yet is terrified by corn – “they’re like little teeth”. He is an avid music lover but is capable of performing only one dance move that he claims he invented. All these mysteries combine to form the walking conundrum that is Torsten Axis Johnson. If you ever happen to cross-paths with this living oxy-moron, only one thing is certain: “You’re Toast.”